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» Forum threads: 46
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Latest Threads
For the Birds
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 04:11 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,795
First Kiss
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 04:10 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,705
Computer Dating
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 04:07 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,537
Elderly Text Messaging
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 04:06 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,650
Hellen Keller and her Cat...
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 04:06 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,472
The Outhouse
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 04:05 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,500
So Punny
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 04:03 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,616
Which side of the fence a...
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 04:01 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,442
Passwords
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 04:00 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,437
4 Husbands
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:59 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,415
Consulting
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:58 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,518
Husband Wanted
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:55 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,545
Silent but Deadly
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:54 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,502
Now for a Small Joke that...
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:52 AM
» Replies: 1
» Views: 2,460
Congress is the opposite ...
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:51 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,570
Man's Best Friend
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:45 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,551
The BC
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:44 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,602
Supercalifragilisticexpia...
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:41 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,580
New and Improved!
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:40 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,568
Need a hand with that?
Forum: Jokes and Riddles
Last Post: Roger Garstang
11-02-2014, 03:39 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 1,625

 
  For the Birds
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 04:11 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

During the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the dead birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Behaviorist very quickly determined the cause:



When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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  First Kiss
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 04:10 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by
the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of
confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
"Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him: "Oh please, please, I love you so much!!"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: No, no. I just can't."
Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice
she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it.
Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out
loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button..."

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  Computer Dating
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 04:07 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

Pros and Cons of dating a programmer.

   

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  Elderly Text Messaging
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 04:06 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

ASL - Aspirin, Sedative, Laxative?
ATD - At the Doctor's.
BFF - Best Friends Funeral.
BRB - Big Red Blotches.
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair.
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth.
CBM - Covered by Medicare.
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center.
DWI - Driving While Incontinent.
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers.
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was.
FYI - Found Your Insulin.
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA - Got Heartburn Again.
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement.
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
IMO - Is Matlock On?
IOW - Is Oxygen Working?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out.
LMTB - Lost My Tennis Balls.
LOL - Living on Lipitor.
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On.
MYOB - Man You're Outta Breath.
OMMR - On My Massaging Recliner.
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTYL - Talk to You Louder.
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WIWYA - When I Was Your Age.
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again.
WTP - Where's the Prunes?
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil.
WWYNA - What Was Your Name Again?

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  Hellen Keller and her Cat Mittens
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 04:06 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

   
Hellen Keller and her Cat Mittens

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  The Outhouse
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 04:05 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

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  So Punny
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 04:03 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

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  Which side of the fence are you?
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 04:01 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Democrat is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A Democrat demands that those they don't like be shut down.

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

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  Passwords
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 04:00 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashingtonDC"

When asked why he had such a long password, the employee rolled his eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."

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  4 Husbands
Posted by: Roger Garstang - 11-02-2014, 03:59 AM - Forum: Jokes and Riddles - No Replies

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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